Weight Loss Tactics Have Gone Too Far

Are you looking for a way to lose those unwanted fifty pounds? Do you have to buy two bus passes because you take up two seats? Well, don’t worry, because there are plenty of ways you can lose that cheesecake gut without any kind of special effort on your part. Forget diet and exercise, those things are just too hard, especially when elective surgery is so much more convenient.

Here are your options: First, there is liposuction, the classic surgical solution for fatness. It’s very simple — you just have a man in scrubs with a piece of paper on his wall that says he is a doctor stick a vacuum in you over and over again to suck out all the fat. You have to pay him for this, mind you, and endure the excruciating pain of your body healing itself after being stabbed repeatedly. It’s much easier than exercise, huh?

Uh oh, so you got lipo-ed just to fill yourself back up again like a water balloon? Then try that up-and-comer that is slowly making a name for itself, gastric bypass surgery. The fact that you eat too much is not because of a lack of will-power or self discipline, it’s because your stomach is just too damn big. So why don’t we just cut it in half and sew it back up? Brilliant! Stop the presses! Who says you have to stick to a balanced diet to lose weight when you could just chop your stomach in half?

What’s that you say? Since your gastric bypass you don’t eat any less you just poo a lot more? Well, this calls for drastic measures. The world’s most ingenious doctors have put their heads together and come up with the next generation in anti-fatness technology: the stomach implant. How does it work? You really want to know? The stomach implant is a battery-sized device that is inserted just below the rib cage. Wires from the implant are then connected to the stomach and deliver mild electric shocks. Doctors believe that these shocks trigger the release of a “satiety” chemical, tricking your body into thinking it is full. It’s like electro-shock therapy for your stomach. Now you won’t feel the need to consume large amounts of fat and calories, not to mention protein, vitamins or minerals. Hell, you probably won’t want to eat anything ever again.

So, at the end of the day, when you look at yourself in the mirror of the gas station bathroom where you have been living because you spent all of your money and couldn’t pay the rent, you can tell yourself as you look at your scar-covered, pale and wasted-away body, that at least you are no longer a fatty.

Posted by: Best Weight Loss Program